>> Saturday, May 3, 2008

I have thought for some time now that what I needed in my life to really push me to where I felt I needed to be was a good girl. Someone I could fall in love with and marry. If only I had that, it would give me the motivation to be a better person, to work a little harder at what I'm doing. Perhaps the reason I feel that way is because it's happened to me once before. I met someone who drove me to be better, kinder, and a closer follower of Christ. Losing her..was literally losing one of my best friends, and so much more.

It's like having part of you leave. When you are ready to commit yourself to the notion of being with this person forever. Like having a single bite of the most delicious food you have ever tasted, only to have it taken immediately after, completely unexpectedly. To have something so precious and so dear torn from you-it's horrifying. It is something that has affected me more than I am willing to admit. I honestly believe I should have married her. Had we been wed, we would have had our difficulties, but we would be happy.

It's not so painful anymore. It's changed from a longing for her to a longing for that feeling. That feeling of calm, safety and security so desired that once you feel it, you can't help but...crave it. It becomes a thing of such importance to you that you would do anything you could to have it again, save for the absolute fear of losing it again. To be crushed so completely again would break your fragile heart and literally kill you. So you sit and wait. But you wait too long. You are too scared to invest enough of you to find out. You worry that you will be investing too much in the wrong person, and in that time, the right one will have passed by already. So you keep waiting. But you wait too long.

By the time you settle on one person, they have already started dating someone else. And even though you may know that relationship is doomed to fail, and that you and her would make a fantastic couple, you wait even longer. You wait, hoping they will break up, hoping she will see you for the amazing person you are. See you as desirable, as someone who inspires them to do their best and to make the most of themselves. They become a person who might bring that feeling back into your life.

I live for love. I don't live for toys, or for money or the shiny things it can buy. If I can have the love I seek, I won't care about anything else. Life will be worth it. All the trials, all the stress about work and school(sic) and money would be worth the happiness you would find in your home, in your family, in your relationship with your wife. A friend has often asked me why I want to be married so badly. That friend is married now. I truly hope he understands why I desire marriage. I want to be able to go into my home and see her there, to know that regardless of what has happened that day, she will be there to hug me. A hug that has so much meaning in it that it becomes all you need. You feel such pure joy just being near them. They fit so perfectly in your arms that if the world were to end, you would desire nothing more than to have them there safely inside your arms.

I crave the love I cannot have without improving myself first, yet I feel I need that love to push me to improve myself. Once again, my decisions get wrapped up in a paradox. A paradox that is ever growing to encompass all matter in my life.


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